People love to poke fun at darts.....

David Grimes
As a hobby, darts has its finer points

A reader who was concerned about my lack of hobbies has suggested that I take up darts.

I must admit, he builds a convincing case:

1) You are never more than a few steps away from the refrigerator.

2) A dart is light, unlike a 16-pound bowling ball.

3) Unlike golf, which requires you to trudge around for hours under a baking sun, darts can be played indoors in air-conditioned comfort.

4) If you get winded playing darts, you can take a nap in your nearby recliner.

5) Not only are you allowed to drink beer while playing darts, it is virtually mandatory.

6) You are unlikely to sustain any knee injuries or torn ligaments while playing darts unless you fall down on your way to the bar.

7) You can play darts alone or, if you have any, with friends.

8) A dart board costs far less than a titanium driver.

9) You do not need to run or lift weights in order to have the stamina necessary to play darts. If you have a pulse, you're basically ready to go.

10) You can gamble.

The reader said he wanted to hang his dartboard in his living room so he'd be close to the TV and his recliner. Unfortunately his wife, who clearly has no sense of décor, wouldn't let him do it, so his board now hangs in his bedroom. He said it worked out better than he expected because now, when he becomes fatigued from flipping little feathered missiles all of seven feet, he can topple right onto his bed.

I used to play darts as a kid, but I never got any good at it because I lacked the patience. Our board was in the basement and I quickly learned that it was more fun to throw the darts at the wall, the washing machine or any small rodents that happened to scamper by.

Sometimes I would go out to a nearby field and see how far I could throw a dart. It was sort of the nerd's equivalent of the javelin toss. I lost all of my darts in about five minutes, so I went back to watching TV, which struck me as far less exhausting.

Another problem I had with "real" darts was the math. In real darts, you start out with 501 points and work your way backward. The first one to reach zero wins. So let's say you hit a triple 19. In your head, you have to multiply 19 times 3, then subtract the sum from 501. I don't know about you, but I can't perform these calculations without taking my shoes off, which seriously slows the game. Add a few pints of Guinness and your opponent will have nodded off before you come up with your score.

But that is just a minor quibble. I am willing to have my math skills challenged if nachos are part of the deal.

I'm going on a golf trip to Scotland next month so there's a good chance that darts is (are?) in my future. My guess is that I will lose many pounds during the competitions, though unfortunately I'm talking about currency, not flab.

I just hope the pubs have recliners.


David Grimes can be reached by mail at the Herald-Tribune, P.O. Drawer 1719, Sarasota, FL 34230; by fax at 361-4880 or by e-mail at david.grimes@heraldtribune.com.