globeandmail.com: Smoking up at the oche

"Smoking up at the oche

Smoking up at the oche
Headshot of Allan Maki

ALLAN MAKI



Robbie (Kong) Green has failed a drug test. He's a darts player, not a weight lifter, a football player, a 100-metre sprinter, a speed skater, wrestler or even Mr. Universe. He's a darts player and now the first professional flinger to test positive for marijuana.

This is news because who knew the United Kingdom, where Kong Green was busted, was even testing professional darts players? A few of you, maybe. But to those of us who wouldn't know Phil Taylor (the world's greatest player) from Dr. Phil, it seems rather odd to be testing guys whose field of play is usually located in a bar.

While most darts players refuse to drink during competitions — bad for the aim, they say — many have been known to down the odd pint of beer after matches. Apparently, that's okay as long as they don't drive home. But take a hit on a joint? Look out, Kong. Here come the dope police.

According to a story filed by The Associated Press, Green, who has his nickname Kong tattooed onto the back of his shorn head, was a quarterfinalist at the UK Open in June when he tested positive for pot. For that, he has been banned for eight weeks and two days by the haughty-sounding Darts Regulation Authority.


First question: who came up with the idea to test darters? Did someone have to convince UK Sports this was a major problem that had to be dealt with and quickly? ("Gentlemen, there are doping darters out there who are ruining the game and setting a bad example for our youth.")

Most of the darters I've seen on televised events are guys who couldn't run around a football field. They're not built for that; they're built for throwing a pointy, feathered object, having a few beers and perhaps a smoke or two. This is not the Olympic decathlon and everyone, even kids, knows that.

Next question: what would UK Sports have done if Kong Green had tested positive for anabolic steroids or human growth hormones? Would they have gone after Victor Conte? Would Green have been suspended for life? Me, I'm thinking if you're good enough to make the UK Open quarterfinals with marijuana in your system then you should get free beer for the rest of the tournament.

The AP story didn't say whether Green would appeal his suspension. As Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati proved at the 1998 Winter Olympics, you can always blame it on second-hand smoke — and that industrial-strength hemp from Whistler, B.C. — and get off without a hitch.

Fortunately for Green, he'll be back in time to have a go at winning the world championship. Until then, sources close to UK Sport say the organization is ready to test participants in cribbage, lawn bowling, crossword puzzles and foosball.

There will also be a special crackdown on dopers who play solitaire.

First offence will be eight weeks and three days as issued by the Solitaire Regulation Authority
globeandmail.com: Smoking up at the oche"